Wolfgang In the Park

In yesterday’s regional paper, a headline caught my eye. It read “Classical Music may drive away park vagrants.”

Here’s the gist of the story:

A neighborhood in the state capital of Hartford wants to drive drug dealers and prostitutes from a local park by piping classical music through speakers placed in the park. Activists proposed the plan “in hopes of annoying petty criminals so much that they’ll leave. As an added bonus, the music will make the park more pleasant for people who want to walk or eat lunch there.” Apparently, the idea was hatched after they tried the same thing in West Palm Beach, Florida and a 40% decrease in crime was reported.

Naturally some classical music lovers are incensed. The conductor of the Hartford Symphony declared the “idea vulgarizes classical music that is meant to be enlightening.” Musicologist Robert Fink says “it looks like a desperate plan. Beethoven is not going to save you,” then he went on to talk about great composers being viewed as “some kind of bug spray or disinfectant.”

So, “petty” criminals don’t like classical music. What about white collar criminals? I wonder if Kenneth not-yet-convicted-but-hopefully-he-will-be-soon Lay of Enron fame knows who Bach is? Michael Miliken the junk bond king? Is he a Snoop Dogg kinda guy? The whole music plan just strikes me as a very bizarre social experiment that implies people on the fringe or who aren’t well to do, are somehow offended by classical music. I wonder if it's racist? Should they just reclassify the category name from “Classical” to “Music for the Middle Class and Upper classes”?

While I have no empirical data to back me up, I happen to know of instances where classical music can actually incite violence and criminal acts. And it can happen among otherwise law abiding, middle class suburban dwellers. Look at me for example. I happen to love classical music and have a small but decent classical CD collection. But come holiday season, the mere threat of having to listen to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons can cause me to develop an eye tick and hightened affect. My usually low blood pressure may soar after the 47th time it comes on in during a shopping trip. My husband, also a classical music fan, spent part of his youth working retail and had to listen to it so many times, even now, twenty years later he cannot hear it without getting upset. Same with the usually lovely Canon in D, by Pachelbel. Such a beautiful song, but repeated listening can have me poking around the bookstore looking for books about weaponry. Yes, the misuse and abuse of classical music can ruin both high end retailers at holidays time and hangouts for drug dealers and prostitutes.

Here is a little conspiracy theory for you. Maybe, just maybe, it’s internet vendors plying brick and mortar retailers with holiday classic music mixes. Ingenius really. If the horrific overapplication of classical music keeps people from going into stores, they may instead shop online, thereby driving up sales. Brilliant!

I’d like to see a study of what music notorious criminals listen to. Perhaps most famously, Charles Manson stole lyrics from The Beatle’s Helter Skelter during a murderous rampage. I seem to recall serial killer Ted Bundy was a fan as well. Not sure about some of the other big names. But the article I read was about petty criminals, not the big leaguers. Makes me wonder what Dick Cheney has on his IPOD.